I posted about my boy a while ago, and now I have an update.
His name is Toby, and he is 15 years old.
For anyone who did not see my earlier post, my old boy had an infection in his eye. When I first noticed how swollen and painful it looked, I was devastated. Just the thought of him being sick — or possibly losing him — completely broke me.
I took him to the vet right away.
At first, his eye was badly inflamed. After a week of anti-inflammatory medication, antibiotics, and topical pain relief, he started to improve. The anti-inflammatory medication even helped with his arthritis, and for a little while, he seemed more lively again. It almost felt like a small part of the old Toby had come back.
I had hope.
I really thought things might be okay.
But at his follow-up appointment, the vet suspected glaucoma. He was put on new medication — another topical pain relief, antibiotics, and anti-inflammatory treatment — and another follow-up was scheduled.
He had that follow-up today.
And now I feel completely torn apart.
The vet told me that the medication is keeping his pain under control for now, but his condition is going to get worse. I was quoted around $3,000 Australian dollars for eye removal surgery and dental work, because he has had gum disease for years.
I cannot afford that.
Not now.
Not in the coming months.
And honestly, I do not even know if Toby would make it through surgery at his age. My family keeps telling me that maybe it is time to let him rest. Part of me understands that. Part of me wants him to be at peace and free from pain.
But another part of me keeps asking the same question:
Is there more I could do?
Am I giving up too soon?
Or am I only trying to keep him here because I am not ready to live without him?
I am trying to come to terms with the fact that this may be Toby’s last Christmas.
I just want him to make it through the year. I want him to have one more Christmas with us — one more season wrapped in blankets, eating his favorite treats, hearing everyone call his name, and knowing how deeply he is loved.
But if his pain becomes too much, I know I cannot be selfish.
Putting him to sleep would be cheaper than surgery, and at least then I would know he is finally at rest. I would not have to wake up every day wondering if he is hurting and just cannot tell me.
But Toby has been in my life for 15 years.
Fifteen years.
I do not know how I am supposed to be okay without him.
After losing my grandparents within a year of each other, and now facing the thought of losing Toby too, I do not know how to keep living with so much constant grief. It feels like one heartbreak has not even healed before another one arrives.
But I know this day will come eventually.
Whether I am ready or not.
Whether I try to hold on or not.
One day, I will have to learn how to move forward without him beside me.
Right now, I just want to give my family enough time to say goodbye. Toby is not only my dog. He is loved by everyone. He has been part of this family for so long that imagining the house without him feels almost impossible.
I want his remaining days to be as gentle as possible.
No fear.
No suffering.
No pain kept alive just because we are not strong enough to let go.
I want him to eat good food, rest in his favorite places, feel gentle hands on his fur, and hear all the loving words he has deserved every single day of his life.
If this really is Toby’s last Christmas, I want it to be filled with love.
I want him to know that he lived a beautiful life.
That he was loved.
That he made my life better simply by being in it.
And when the time comes to say goodbye, I hope I am strong enough to choose what is best for him — not what is easiest for my heart.
Because loving a dog is not only about keeping them here.
Sometimes, love means having the courage to stop their pain.
Toby has been beside me for 15 years.
And if I have to let him go, I only hope that the last thing he feels is not fear or suffering.
I hope the last thing he feels is love.
So much love.
